SWINE FLU TO SAVE DELTA’S BACON!

PANDEMIC COULD ‘WIPE OUT’ THE NEED FOR LAYOFFS
BEAN COUNTERS REVEL IN THE GOOD FORTUNE OF WORLD-WIDE DISEASE

Imagine Delta’s luck at having a pandemic come on the scene just when Delta was facing the grim task of laying off thousands of young employees. Mike Campbell, Executive Vice-President of Human Resources late Friday was quoted as say that, “the timing of this tragedy couldn’t have come at a better time!

“We were beside ourselves with worry about not being perceived as credible with our workforce going forward” uttered Mike Campbell. “We had told virtually everyone in the financial world that we were done setting aside our own employees just to balance the books and the future looked bleak for us to fulfill that promise.” What good fortune we were handed with an outbreak of such medical devastation.

“What is even more gratifying is that this potential disease, with no known antibodies, is targeting the very demographic that we would have had to begin to dismiss later in the year; the 20-30’s, and 40 year age grouping.” “Sometimes you just get lucky, shouted Mike, in his weekly rally to his base!”

In related news, Sedgwick CMS, which handles Delta’s long and short term disability, as well as sick time allotments, has issued a statement concerning the current medical emergency.

“We want all employees to know that this potential pandemic has its origins in the animal kingdom and therefore cannot be considered a human-born disease. All employees who feel sick and think that they need to stay home should seriously reconsider their decision and know that Sedgwick CMS has a financial obligation to protect the well-being of Delta and their interests and we will consider any claim away from work to be fraudulent and without merit.”

“After all, didn’t this whole thing start with pigs?”

Ed Bastian, in his weekly update to Northwest employees reiterated his loyalty and love for all Northwest employees and stipulated that should any employee experience discomfort with the current health climate in America, all they would have to do is wait 30 days and submit a ‘claim of concern’ with the department that handles such inquiries and should you survive that long, someone would get back to you; probably.”

“We want all employees to know that we have their best interests at heart”, stated Richard Anderson, during a hastily formed news conference in the late afternoon on Friday, the 1st of May. “We feel your pain, but please don’t approach too closely to tell us your sad stories, said Dick through a heavily gauzed facial mask he had dawned just before his speech in front of a half-dozen pre-screened employees in Doctor Miles Snowden’s office. Doctor Snowden who has helped terminate hundreds of sick Delta employees in the past was especially grateful for the opportunity of making a difference in the lives of those who really matter to Delta; the bosses and their families. “You can’t imagine what it means to a medical practitioner to be able to save lives of those who really matter; the people who made sure that my home and my family lived in comfort and style. God bless America, and the rich who deserve her compassion.